25 Tips for Living With a Roommate in a New Country

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Your first flat abroad probably comes with a stranger attached. Maybe a German WG with three flatmates, maybe a Dutch studentenhuis with eight. Either way, the person in the next room will shape your year more than you expect.

Living with a roommate can be the best part of moving abroad, or the most draining. The difference usually comes down to a few habits: asking the right questions, agreeing on rules and handling friction early. Here are 25 tips that work.

Living With a Roommate: Before You Move In

The best roommate problems are the ones you prevent. Most of them start with assumptions nobody checked. And if shared living is already wearing you down, BetterHelp offers online psychological counseling, so you can talk it through with a qualified counselor by video, phone or chat. So what should you sort out before you hand over a deposit?

Ask the Right Questions First

Before you agree to move in, ask the questions most people skip. What time do they usually go to bed and get up? Do they work from home? How often do they have guests, and do partners stay over? How clean is clean enough? What do they expect to share, and what stays private? None of these questions is rude; they show you care about living well together. Listen for how people answer as much as what they say. Someone who is relaxed and honest about their habits is usually easier to live with than someone who claims to have none.

Meet Before You Commit

A video call is good. A visit is better. If you can, meet potential flatmates in person, ideally at the flat itself. You will learn more in twenty minutes in the kitchen than in a week of messages. Notice how the space looks, how people talk to each other and whether you feel at ease. If you are moving from abroad and cannot visit, ask a friend in the city to go for you, or ask for a live video tour. Trust your gut: a great room with an uneasy atmosphere is rarely worth it.

Check What the Rent Covers

Ask exactly what the rent includes: energy, water, internet, municipal taxes and furniture. In the Netherlands, the maximum rent for a room is set by a points system based on things like floor area and the energy label, according to the Dutch housing ministry's Volkshuisvesting Nederland guidance. The Dutch rent tribunal offers a free, English-language rent check that estimates the legal maximum for a room in a shared house. The check takes a few minutes, and it can save you a lot of money over a year.

Read the Contract Together

Contracts in shared flats vary a lot. Sometimes everyone signs one contract together; sometimes each person has their own room contract with the landlord. Find out which you have, because it changes what happens if someone leaves. Check notice periods, deposit rules and who is responsible for damage in shared areas. If anything is in a language you do not read well, ask for an explanation before signing. Our guide to your rental contract covers the clauses worth checking.

Agree on Guests Early

Guests are one of the most common sources of roommate issues. One person sees a partner staying four nights a week as normal; another sees it as an extra flatmate who does not pay rent. Talk about it before it happens. How often is fine? Should people give a heads-up? Can guests use the shower and the kitchen? What about parties? Agreeing on this early is far easier than raising it after a month of quiet resentment. Keep the agreement simple and revisit it if someone's situation changes, such as a new relationship.

House Rules That Keep the Peace

Most flat arguments are not about big things. They are about dishes, noise and the bins. Small irritations add up, and if home has stopped feeling like a place to rest, a BetterHelp counselor can help you talk it through and plan what to say. Here is how to stop the small stuff from piling up in the first place.

Write a Short House Agreement

A one-page house agreement sounds formal, but it saves a lot of awkward conversations. Write down the basics: cleaning, quiet times, guests, shared food and how you split bills. Keep it short and practical, and make sure everyone agrees to it, not just the person who wrote it. Stick it on the fridge or pin it in the group chat. When something goes wrong, you can point to the agreement instead of making it personal. Review it every few months, especially when someone new moves in, because a rule nobody remembers agreeing to does not help anyone.

Respect Quiet Hours

In Germany, people take quiet hours seriously. The German Tenants' Association, Deutscher Mieterbund, notes that night-time quiet hours start at 22:00 by law, so music and parties need to be turned down after that. Many buildings also have a Hausordnung, or house rules, covering noise and shared spaces. The Netherlands is less formal, but neighbours still notice. Agree on quiet times inside the flat too, especially if someone works early or studies late. Headphones and a closed door solve a surprising number of problems.

Learn the Bin System

Waste separation confuses most newcomers at first, and getting it wrong is a classic flatmate irritation. In Berlin, the city waste service BSR explains that packaging goes in the yellow bin, paper in the blue, food waste in the Biogut bin and the rest in the grey bin, with glass sorted by colour. Other cities have their own rules and collection days. Ask your flatmates or check your municipality's website, then put a simple chart on the wall. Taking turns with bin duty is one of the easiest ways to keep the peace.

Make a Cleaning Rota

In German shared flats, a Putzplan, or cleaning rota, is almost a tradition. The rota works because it removes guesswork. List the tasks, such as the kitchen, bathroom, floors and bins, and rotate them weekly. Be specific about what "clean" means for each one, because standards differ a lot between people and cultures. Some flats use a shared app or a whiteboard; others split costs for a cleaner every two weeks. Whatever you choose, the key is that everyone knows what is expected and when. A clear rota prevents the silent counting that causes most cleaning arguments.

Sort Out the Fridge

Food is personal, and in a shared kitchen it is also on show. Decide what is shared, such as oil, salt and washing-up liquid, and what is not. Give everyone a shelf in the fridge and a cupboard. If someone uses your food, a calm message is better than a passive-aggressive note. Some flats keep a small shared shopping list for basics. Others cook together a few nights a week. Find what works for your group, and remember that food is also one of the easiest ways to build friendships with the people you live with.

Money and Shared Costs When Living With a Roommate

Money conversations feel uncomfortable, but avoiding them is worse. Clear, fair systems keep living with a roommate friendly. So how do you split costs without endless calculations? Here are five habits that work.

Split Bills by an Agreed Rule

Decide how to split shared bills before the first one arrives. Equal splits are simplest. But if one room is much bigger, or one person works from home and uses more heating, a different split may be fairer. Talk it through openly and agree on a rule everyone accepts. Write it in your house agreement. The rule matters less than the fact that everyone agreed to it in advance. That way, nobody feels taken advantage of when the energy bill arrives in January, and there is no room for arguments about who used what.

Track Shared Costs in One Place

Keep a simple record of shared spending, whether that is a shared spreadsheet, a notes app or a dedicated bill-splitting app. Add costs as they happen, not at the end of the month when nobody remembers who bought the toilet paper. An open record makes money feel less personal. It also helps if you are on a tight budget, because you can see exactly where your money goes. Agree who adds what and how quickly, so the system stays up to date and nobody ends up carrying more than their share.

Keep a Small House Fund

Some flats put a small amount each month into a shared pot for basics: cleaning products, toilet paper, light bulbs and the occasional shared pizza. It saves dozens of tiny transactions and arguments. Agree on the amount, who holds the money and how purchases are recorded. A house fund also makes it easier to buy shared things that improve the flat, like a decent pan or a plant for the living room. Small shared investments make a flat feel more like a home and less like a set of separate rooms.

Settle Up Monthly

Pick one day each month to settle all shared costs. Regular settling stops small debts from building into big, awkward ones. It also gives you a natural moment to check in about the flat in general. Keep it light: a quick look at the spreadsheet, transfers sent and done. If someone is short one month, talk about it openly and agree on a plan. Most people understand when you raise it early. What causes tension is not a late payment, but a late payment nobody mentions until the end of the year.

Talk About Money Early

Everyone comes from different money backgrounds. One flatmate might be on a scholarship, another on a part-time job, another supported by family. That affects what feels affordable for shared dinners, house parties or a new sofa. Talk about it early and without judgement. You do not need to share your bank balance, just your comfort zone. Agreeing on how much to spend on shared things avoids awkward moments later. If money is tight, there are good ways to keep costs down without missing out on flat life.

Handling Roommate Issues Across Cultures

Even good flatmates clash. Living abroad adds another layer: different ideas about directness, privacy and politeness. So how do you raise a problem without starting a war? If a conflict keeps weighing on you, BetterHelp matches you with a qualified counselor after a short questionnaire, and a counselor can help you prepare for a hard conversation. These five habits help most.

Expect Different Directness

Cultures differ a lot in how they give criticism. Writing for INSEAD in 2015, Erin Meyer noted that Dutch and German speakers tend to be direct and even strengthen criticism, while others, such as British speakers, soften it. A Dutch flatmate saying "the kitchen is dirty, please clean it" is not being rude in their own culture. A British flatmate saying "it would be lovely if we could maybe tidy up a bit" may be more annoyed than they sound. Learning these differences helps you read what people mean, and adjusting to local norms takes time for everyone.

Raise Small Things Early

The longer you wait, the bigger a small thing feels. A few dirty plates become a symbol of disrespect if you stay silent for a month. Raise things when they are still small and you are still calm. Keep it short and specific: "Could you wash your pans the same day? It's hard to cook when the sink is full." Most people respond well to a clear, friendly request. What they struggle with is a list of grievances saved up over weeks, delivered all at once in a tense moment.

Use "I" Statements

Your phrasing makes a big difference. "You never clean the bathroom" invites defence. "I find it hard when the bathroom stays messy for a week" invites a conversation. "I" statements describe your experience without attacking the other person. Add a suggestion: "Could we add the bathroom to the rota?" This approach works across cultures, because it is clear about the problem but leaves room for the other person to respond. It also keeps the focus on the issue rather than on who is a better or worse person.

Pick the Right Moment

Timing matters as much as wording. Do not raise a problem late at night, when someone is rushing out, or in front of guests. Choose a calm moment, ideally when you are both at home with time to talk. Some flats hold a short house meeting once a month, which gives everyone a regular, low-pressure space to bring things up. If a conversation becomes heated, it is fine to pause and come back to it the next day. A cooler head on both sides usually leads to a better solution than pushing through in the moment.

Know When to Move On

Sometimes a flatmate situation does not work, however hard you try. If you have raised issues calmly, tried compromises and still feel uncomfortable or unsafe at home, it may be time to look for another place. That is not a failure. Check your notice period, start looking early and keep things civil while you are still living together. In the Netherlands, the government reports a national shortage of student homes, with student housing short by around 23,100 places in 2024, so give yourself plenty of time.

Making Your Roommate Part of Your Support

The best flatmates become friends, or at least a steady, familiar presence in a new city. When you are far from home, that matters. How do you build that kind of connection without forcing it? Start small and give it time.

Share One Meal a Week

A weekly shared dinner is one of the simplest ways to turn flatmates into friends. Take turns cooking dishes from your home countries, or keep it simple with pasta and a film. Research by Jennifer Crocker and Amy Canevello at the University of Michigan, covered by ScienceDaily in 2008, followed first-year roommate pairs and found that students who supported each other out of real concern built closer relationships. A shared meal is a small, regular way to show that care, and it gives everyone a reason to be in the same room.

Give It Time

Roommate relationships do not always start strong, and they can wobble during the year. A 2022 study by Willis and Lane in Frontiers in Psychology, with 870 US undergraduates, found that roommate relationship quality tended to fall across the academic year, and that it was higher between roommates who had known each other longer. So do not panic if the first months feel awkward or things dip mid-year. Familiarity takes time to build, and many flat friendships grow slowly through small, repeated moments.

Check In When Things Are Hard

You often notice before anyone else when a flatmate is having a rough time: they stay in their room, skip dinner or seem quiet. A simple "Are you okay? Want a cup of tea?" can mean a lot to someone far from home. You do not need to fix anything. Showing that you noticed is often enough. And let your flatmates check in on you too. Being honest about a hard week builds trust, and it makes the flat feel like a place where people look out for each other.

Keep Your Own Space Too

Being close to your flatmates does not mean doing everything together. Everyone needs time alone, especially in a busy shared home. Respect closed doors, and feel free to close yours. Tell people when you need quiet time, without making it a big deal. Having your own space also includes your own friendships and routines outside the flat. The healthiest shared homes balance togetherness and privacy, so that nobody feels either lonely or crowded. A clear signal, like headphones on or a closed door, can save a lot of misunderstandings.

Look Beyond the Flat

Your flatmates can be a great part of your social life, but they should not be all of it. Build connections outside the flat too: classmates, colleagues, sports clubs and other internationals. A wider circle takes pressure off the flat, because you are not relying on your roommates for everything. It also means that if the flat situation changes, you still have people around you. Our guide to a wider circle of friends abroad has ideas on where to start, from clubs and classes to language exchanges.

Conclusion

Living with a roommate in a new country works best when you ask the right questions before moving in, agree on simple rules and handle small issues early. Clear systems for money and cleaning take the heat out of daily life, and an awareness of cultural differences helps you read what people really mean.

Above all, give it time. Shared meals, small check-ins and respect for each other's space can turn a stranger in the next room into one of the people who makes a new city feel like home.

If you need someone to talk to right away, call TelefonSeelsorge in Germany on 0800 1110111, 0800 1110222 or 116 123, or De Luisterlijn in the Netherlands on 088 0767 000.

FAQ

What questions should I ask a roommate before moving in?

Ask about sleep and work schedules, guests and partners, cleaning standards, noise, shared food and how bills will be split. Honest, relaxed answers are a good sign that living together will work.

How do I be a good roommate abroad?

Respect quiet hours, follow the cleaning rota and the bin system, pay shared costs on time and raise issues early and calmly. Small, reliable habits matter more than grand gestures.

How should roommates split bills?

Agree on a rule before the first bill arrives, such as equal shares or a split based on room size. Track shared costs in one place and settle up on the same day each month.

What are the most common roommate issues?

Cleaning, noise, guests, shared food and money cause most problems. A short house agreement and early, friendly conversations prevent most of them.

What if living with a roommate is affecting how I feel at home?

Raise the issue calmly and try to agree on changes. If things do not improve, consider moving. If it keeps weighing on you, talking it through with a qualified counselor can help you decide what to do next.