Don't Compare Yourself to Others: A Guide for Life Abroad

Your classmate from Spain already speaks fluent Dutch. Your friend back home just got promoted. Another international you met last month seems to have a full social life, a partner and weekend trips every Saturday. And you are still working out which bin is for paper.

Comparison is human, but abroad it can get loud. This guide explains why we compare ourselves to others, why social media and life abroad make it harder, and what to do instead when the habit starts to take over.

Key Takeaways

Comparing yourself with others is a built-in human habit, especially when there is no clear yardstick.
People tend to compare upwards, which usually leaves them feeling worse.
Social media shows highlight reels, not real life, and passive scrolling makes comparison worse.
Comparing yourself with your own past self is a fairer and more useful habit.
If comparison keeps weighing on you, talking it through with a qualified counselor can help.

Why You Compare Yourself to Others Abroad

Why does comparison feel so much stronger after a move? Part of the answer is simple psychology, and part of it is the situation you are in. If the habit is starting to wear you down, BetterHelp offers online psychological counseling, so you can talk it through with a qualified counselor by video, phone or chat.

Is comparing a sign of weakness? Not at all. It is one of the oldest patterns in human thinking. Here is what drives it.

A Built-In Habit

Back in 1954, psychologist Leon Festinger described social comparison as a basic human drive. When people have no objective way to judge their opinions and abilities, they compare themselves with others, usually with people who seem similar.

Comparison helps us work out where we stand.
It is automatic, so you do not choose to start doing it.
The trouble starts when it becomes constant and one-sided.

The Pull of Upward Comparison

We rarely compare ourselves with people who struggle more than we do. A 2018 meta-analysis by Jonathan Gerber, Ladd Wheeler and Jerry Suls in Psychological Bulletin, covering more than 60 years of studies, found that people strongly prefer to compare upwards, and that this usually leaves them feeling worse about their own abilities.

You compare your hardest week with someone else's best moment.
Upward comparison can motivate in small doses, but often it just stings.
Knowing the bias helps you catch it when it happens.

No Familiar Yardstick

At home, you knew what "doing well" looked like. Abroad, the yardsticks change: language levels, salary norms, how quickly people make friends, what a good flat looks like. Without a familiar measure, you lean on other people as your guide.

New systems make it hard to judge your own progress.
Other internationals become your main reference point.
Every comparison is with someone whose starting point you do not know.
The yardsticks settle down as you start feeling settled in your new home.

That last point matters. The person who seems to be thriving may have arrived with fluent German, a partner, family in the city or two years of head start. You are rarely comparing like with like.

Peers Back Home

Friends at home keep moving: new jobs, weddings, flats, babies.
From abroad, you see the milestones but not the struggles behind them.
It is easy to feel left behind, even when your own life has changed a lot.

This gap can be one of the quietest pressures of living abroad. Your life is full of change that friends at home cannot see, while theirs shows up in tidy milestones. If that gap keeps nagging at you, a BetterHelp counselor can help you sort through it by video, phone or chat, and help you put your own progress back in view.

How Social Media Makes Comparison Worse

Most comparison now happens on social media. When you live abroad, it is also how you keep up with home, so stepping away is not simple. What does the research say about how feeds affect us?

Highlight Reels

A 2012 study by Hui-Tzu Grace Chou and Nicholas Edge at Utah Valley University, with 425 students, found that heavier Facebook use went with believing that others were happier and had better lives. The effect was stronger the more "friends" they did not know personally.

Feeds show edited moments, not the boring or hard parts.
People you barely know look like they have perfect lives.
Remember that your own posts probably look the same to others.

Think about what you post yourself. Most people share the trip, the dinner and the sunny weekend, not the lonely Tuesday or the rejected application. Everyone else is doing the same, so a feed is a collection of best moments, not a fair picture of anyone's life.

Passive Scrolling

Not all social media use is equal. Research led by Philippe Verduyn and Ethan Kross, published in 2015, found that passive scrolling, browsing without posting or chatting, lowered how good people felt over time. The cause was rising envy.

Messaging friends tends to feel better than scrolling strangers.
Notice how you feel after ten minutes on an app.
Swap some scrolling for a direct message to someone you miss.

This is good news for internationals. Social media is how many of us keep in touch with home, and using it actively, by messaging, calling and commenting, keeps the benefits while cutting the comparison.

Other Internationals' Feeds

A 2018 study by Dian de Vries, Marthe Möller and colleagues at the University of Amsterdam found that people who tend to compare felt less upbeat after seeing strangers' happy Instagram posts, while people who do not compare much felt more upbeat.

The same post can lift one person and drag another down.
If you know you compare, you are more affected by happy feeds.
Choose who you follow based on how they make you feel.

Self-Esteem Dips

Research from the University of Toledo, led by Erin Vogel and published in 2014, found that heavier Facebook users had lower self-esteem, and that briefly viewing profiles of people who seemed better off lowered self-esteem in the moment.

A short scroll can shift how you see yourself.
Morning and late-night scrolling can colour your whole day.
If social comparison keeps pulling your mood down, a BetterHelp counselor can talk it through with you and help you build habits that protect your sense of self.

Don't Compare Yourself to Others: What to Do Instead

You cannot switch off comparison completely, but you can redirect it. So what works better than comparing yourself with everyone else? Here are five habits backed by research and common sense.

Compare With Your Past Self

A 2001 study by Anne Wilson and Michael Ross at the University of Waterloo found that people judge their past selves more harshly than their present selves and see themselves as having improved. Use this tendency on purpose.

Write down what you could not do when you arrived: order in Dutch, find a doctor, cycle in traffic.
Look at the list every month and notice what has changed.
Progress against your own starting point is the only fair comparison.

This habit works especially well abroad, because the changes are so concrete. A year ago you might not have known how to register at the town hall or which supermarket sells your favourite food. Seeing that progress written down is often surprising, and it makes other people's timelines matter less.

Count What Went Well

In a 2003 study, Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough found that people who regularly listed things they were grateful for had higher well-being than people who listed hassles or comparisons. The clearest gain was in positive mood.

Each evening, write down three things that went well.
Include small wins, like a good conversation or a fixed bike.
Over time, you train your attention on your own life rather than other people's.

Curate Your Feed

A 2018 study by Melissa Hunt at the University of Pennsylvania found that students who limited social media to about 30 minutes a day for three weeks felt less lonely.

Mute accounts that leave you feeling worse.
Follow people who share real, honest experiences, including the hard parts.
Set app time limits, and keep phones off the dinner table.

If you want more ideas for using social platforms well, our guide to healthier social media habits for students is a good next step.

Set Your Own Milestones

Decide what success looks like for you this year, not for your classmates.
Choose milestones that fit your situation: a language level, a friendship, a routine.
Celebrate them when you reach them, even if nobody else notices.

Your own milestones keep the focus on what matters to you. If your goal this year is to feel at home and have two good friends, a classmate's internship offer does not change whether you reached it. Writing your goals down gives you a yardstick that nobody else can move.

Ask What Is Missing From the Picture

When you catch yourself comparing, ask one question: what am I not seeing? The friend with the promotion might be exhausted. The international with the busy weekends might feel lonely on weekdays. The classmate with fluent Dutch might have a Dutch partner at home.

Everyone carries things you cannot see.
A fuller picture usually makes the comparison less sharp.
It also makes you kinder to others, which tends to make you kinder to yourself.

Comparisons That Hit Hardest Abroad

Some comparisons come up again and again for internationals. Knowing them in advance makes them easier to handle. Which ones sting the most?

Language Progress

Someone always seems to be learning faster.
Language learning depends on hours of practice, prior languages and daily exposure.
Track your own progress, such as the first phone call you managed without switching to English.

Language is one of the most visible comparisons abroad, because you hear other people's progress every day. Remember that people who seem fluent may have studied the language for years, have a local partner or use it all day at work. Your pace reflects your circumstances, not your ability.

Career Timelines

Peers at home may seem ahead in salary or job title.
Moving abroad often means restarting a career ladder in a new system.
The skills you are building, from languages to resilience, often show their value later.

Career comparisons with friends at home rarely account for the detour you have taken. Learning to work in a new culture, often in a second language, is a real skill that employers value. It just does not fit neatly into a job title on social media.

Social Life

It can look as if everyone else has found their people. In reality, friendships take time to build, especially abroad. Our guide to building friendships in a new city covers practical ways to get there at your own pace.

Group photos rarely show the people who felt left out.
Other internationals may have arrived months earlier.
A few close friends matter more than a busy feed.

Money and Lifestyle

Some internationals have more family support or higher salaries.
Lifestyle posts rarely show the budget behind them.
Compare your spending with your own goals, not someone else's weekend trips.

Don't Compare Yourself to Others When It Starts to Hurt

Most comparison passes quickly and does no harm. Sometimes, though, it becomes a constant background noise that makes everything feel not quite enough. How do you know when it has gone too far, and what can you do?

Notice the Envy

Envy is a normal feeling, and it often points to something you want.
Ask what the envy is telling you: more friends, a better job, more confidence?
Turn that into one small, concrete step rather than a judgement of yourself.

Used this way, envy becomes information. If you envy someone's social life, it might be time to join a club. If you envy someone's career, it might be time to update your CV or ask a mentor for advice. The feeling points the way, and the step moves you forward.

Talk About It

Share how you feel with a friend; many will admit they compare too.
Saying it out loud often shrinks it.
Hearing that others feel the same reminds you that nobody's life is as tidy as it looks.

Other internationals are often the best people to talk to about this. They know the pressure of the first year, the feeds from home and the quiet sense of falling behind. A frank chat over coffee can turn a private worry into a shared joke, and that alone takes much of the sting out of it.

Get Outside Support

If comparison has become a daily habit that leaves you feeling low or stuck for weeks, it is worth talking to someone outside your social circle. A qualified psychological counselor can help you understand where the habit comes from and build practical ways to step back from it. Sessions by video, phone or chat fit around a busy life abroad, and you do not need a big reason to start.

Conclusion

Comparing yourself with others is natural, and life abroad gives it plenty of fuel: new yardsticks, peers at different stages and social media feeds full of highlights. Upward comparison usually leaves you feeling worse, and passive scrolling makes it stronger.

The fix is not to stop comparing completely but to compare more fairly: with your past self, with a fuller picture of other people's lives and with milestones you choose yourself. Gratitude, a curated feed and honest conversations all help.

If you need someone to talk to right away, call TelefonSeelsorge in Germany on 0800 1110111, 0800 1110222 or 116 123, or De Luisterlijn in the Netherlands on 088 0767 000.

FAQ

Why do I compare myself to others so much abroad?

Without familiar yardsticks, you lean on other people to judge your progress. Social media and peers at different life stages add more fuel, so comparison often feels stronger after a move.

How do I stop comparing myself to others on social media?

Mute accounts that leave you feeling worse, swap passive scrolling for direct messages and set daily time limits. Remember that feeds show highlights, not everyday life.

Is comparison with others ever helpful?

In small doses it can motivate you or show what is possible. It becomes unhelpful when it is constant, one-sided and leaves you feeling not good enough.

What should I compare myself with instead?

Compare yourself with your own past self. Write down what you could not do when you arrived and check your progress every month.

When should I talk to someone about comparing myself to others?

If comparison leaves you feeling low or stuck most days for weeks, talk to someone you trust or a qualified counselor who can help you build healthier habits.