24 Ways to Be Gentle With Yourself After Moving Abroad

Moving abroad takes more out of you than anyone admits. New language, new rules, new people, all at once. And the voice in your head is often the harshest critic you have.

This list is about turning that voice down. Here are 24 practical ways to be gentle with yourself while you settle in, from expecting the hard months to talking to yourself like a friend.

Be Gentle With Yourself Through the Adjustment

The first year abroad is not a test you pass or fail. It is an adjustment, and adjustments are slow and uneven. So what does being gentle look like in practice? It starts with expectations.

Talk It Through With Someone Neutral

Friends back home love you, but they cannot see your new life up close. New friends are still new. A neutral listener can be the kindest gift you give yourself in the first months. BetterHelp offers online psychological counseling, so you can talk to a qualified counselor by video, phone or chat, from wherever you live this year. A counselor will not judge how the move is going or compare you with anyone. They help you see what is happening and find practical strategies that fit your life. You can also change counselor if the first match does not feel right.

Expect the Hard Months

Many people expect a honeymoon first. Research suggests it often works the other way round. A 2021 study of international students in the UK and Norway, led by Hayley Collins at Liverpool John Moores, found no honeymoon phase at all: the first months were the hardest, then came adjustment and later mastery. Anthropologist Kalervo Oberg described similar stages of culture shock back in 1960. Knowing this changes how you read a bad week. It is not proof the move was a mistake. It is the normal shape of a big change.

Lower the Bar for Month One

You would not expect a new colleague to know everything in their first week. Give yourself the same grace. In month one, success might mean registering at the town hall, finding a supermarket you like and having one real conversation. That is enough. Research by Hope, Koestner and Milyavskaya at McGill University, published in 2014, followed first-year students and found that those high in self-compassion were less thrown by days when their goals stalled. A lower bar is not giving up. It is how you keep going.

Rest Without Earning It

Living in a new country uses energy in ways you do not notice: reading every sign, decoding every form, thinking twice before every sentence. Rest is not a reward for a productive day; it is part of how you get through one. A 2022 meta-analysis by Patricia Albulescu and colleagues in PLOS ONE found that breaks of ten minutes or less raised energy and reduced tiredness. Build short pauses into your day without guilt. A walk round the block, a cup of tea by the window or ten minutes with your eyes closed all count.

Count Small Wins Weekly

Progress abroad is easy to miss because it is made of small things. You understood a joke at work. You found the right tram without checking your phone. You said no to a plan you did not want. Every Sunday, write down three things that went better than a month ago. Over time, that list becomes proof that you are settling in, even on weeks when it does not feel like it. It also gives you something kind to read on a bad day, when your memory insists that nothing has changed at all.

Let Homesick Days Happen

Missing home is not a sign of failure. It is a sign that you had something worth missing. Some days the feeling will be loud, especially around birthdays, holidays or bad news from home. Let it be there without arguing with it. Call someone, cook a dish from home or look at old photos for a while. Our guide to homesick days has more ideas. If those days start to stack up, a BetterHelp counselor can help you talk it through and find ways to carry home with you without it holding you back.

Forgiving Yourself for Mistakes Abroad

Mistakes come with the territory when everything is new. You will mix up words, miss deadlines and break rules nobody told you about. Here is the question that matters: what do you do with them afterwards? Forgiving yourself is a skill, and these six habits build it.

Laugh Off Language Mistakes

You will say something odd in Dutch or German. You might order the wrong thing, use the wrong word or greet your manager like a close friend. Locals have heard it all before, and most will appreciate that you tried. Treat language slips as a sign of progress, not embarrassment. Every mistake means you were brave enough to speak. If you are working on your Dutch or German, keep a notebook of your funniest mistakes. Reading it a few months later will remind you how far you have come, and it makes a great story at dinner too.

Forgive the Admin Slip-Ups

Missed appointments, wrong forms and late registrations happen to nearly everyone in their first year. The systems are complex, often in another language, and nobody hands you a manual. When something goes wrong, fix what you can, write down what you learned and move on. Most mistakes can be corrected with a polite email or a new appointment. Beating yourself up does not make the letter from the tax office go away. Dealing with it calmly, and then letting it go, is the kind thing to do.

Treat Setbacks as Information

A bad grade, a rejected application or an awkward first week at work can feel personal. Try treating each one as information instead. A 2005 study by Kristin Neff and colleagues at the University of Texas looked at academic setbacks and found that self-compassionate students who felt they had failed a midterm were more focused on learning and less likely to avoid the problem. Ask yourself: what does this tell me, and what will I try next time? That question moves you forward faster than blame.

Stop Comparing Your Timeline

Someone in your programme seems fluent already. A friend who moved at the same time has a full social life. Comparison makes your own progress look smaller than it is. Everyone arrives with different starting points: some already spoke the language, some had friends in the city, some had done this before. Your path is shaped by your circumstances, not by how hard you are trying. When you notice yourself comparing, ask a fairer question: am I doing better than I was three months ago? That is the only comparison that tells you anything useful.

Apologise Once, Then Move On

Cultural slip-ups happen. You might be too direct, too polite, too late or too early by local standards. When you get it wrong, apologise once, sincerely, and then let it go. Replaying the moment for days does nothing for the other person and a lot of damage to you. Most people forget small social mistakes far faster than you think. If you are unsure whether something landed badly, ask a local friend to explain the norm. Then you have learned something, and the next time will feel easier.

Let Go of the Perfect Year

Many internationals arrive with a picture of the perfect year abroad: weekend trips, new best friends, fluency by spring. Real life is messier, with rainy Tuesdays and lonely weekends alongside the good bits. Letting go of the picture is not lowering your hopes; it is making room for the year you are actually having. If the gap between the plan and reality feels heavy, BetterHelp matches you with a qualified counselor after a short questionnaire, which gives you space to sort through it. Plenty of people find the real year turns out richer than the imagined one.

Be Gentle With Yourself in How You Talk

The way you talk to yourself shapes how hard the move feels. Harsh self-talk drains energy you need for everything else. So how do you change a voice you have had for years? Start small, and practise.

Notice Your Inner Critic

The first step is noticing. When something goes wrong, what do you say to yourself? "I'm useless at this" or "Everyone else manages"? Self-criticism feels like motivation, but research suggests the opposite. A 2011 study by Theodore Powers and colleagues at McGill University found across five studies that more self-critical people made less progress on their personal goals. Catching the critic in the act is the start of turning it down. You do not have to argue with it yet. Just notice it, name it and see how often it shows up.

Talk to Yourself Like a Friend

Imagine a friend calls you after a rough first week abroad. You would not tell them they are hopeless. You would remind them that it is early days, that they are doing their best and that things will get easier. Try saying the same words to yourself. This is the heart of self-compassion, which Kristin Neff defined in a 2003 paper on self-compassion as being kind to yourself in hard moments, seeing struggle as part of being human and holding painful feelings in balance. It sounds simple. It takes practice, and it works better the more you do it.

Use Your Own Name

Here is a small trick that surprises people. When you are stressed, talk to yourself using your own name or "you" instead of "I". Research led by Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan, reported in 2014, found that this distanced self-talk helped people manage their thoughts and feelings before stressful tasks, such as giving a speech. "Maria, you have handled harder things than this" lands differently from "I can't do this." It creates a little space between you and the problem, which is often all you need to think clearly again.

Try the Self-Compassion Break

Kristin Neff's self-compassion break takes about a minute and works anywhere: on a tram, in a toilet cubicle at work or on a park bench. First, name the moment: "this is hard right now." Second, remind yourself that others feel this too: "lots of people struggle when they move." Third, offer yourself kindness: "may I be kind to myself." Some people put a hand on their chest while they do it. It can feel awkward at first, but many people find it helps on the days when everything feels like too much.

Write Yourself a Kind Note

Writing slows your thoughts down and gives you some distance from them. On a hard evening, write a short note to yourself as if you were writing to a friend in the same situation. Acknowledge what is hard, recognise what you are doing well and suggest one small next step. Keep the note somewhere you will find it later, in a notebook or on your phone. Kind words in your own handwriting can comfort you more than you expect when you are tired, far from home and unsure if any of this is working.

Swap Should for Could

"I should be fluent by now." "I should have more friends." "Should" turns every gap into a failure. Try swapping it for "could": "I could practise for ten minutes tonight." "I could message the person from my course." The swap sounds tiny, but it changes the feeling from pressure to choice. A 2012 study by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen at UC Berkeley on improvement motivation found that people who treated their mistakes with self-compassion were more motivated to improve, not less. Being kind to yourself is not letting yourself off the hook. If you want more tools for hard days, our list of simple coping skills is a good next read.

How to Accept Yourself as You Settle In

Being gentle with yourself is also physical. Tired, hungry and isolated, anyone feels worse about themselves. These final six habits look after the basics, and remind you that you are allowed to be exactly who you are while you settle in.

Keep a Steady Sleep Window

Sleep is often the first thing to slip after a move, with late nights, new noise and jet lag in the mix. Yet a tired brain is a harsher critic. The US Centers for Disease Control recommends seven or more hours a night for adults aged 18 to 60. Pick a bedtime and wake-up time and stick to them most days, including weekends. A steady window helps your body find a rhythm in a new place, and it gives you more patience for everything else. Protecting sleep is one of the most practical forms of self-kindness there is.

Move Your Body Kindly

Exercise does not have to be punishment or a project. It can simply be how you look after yourself. The World Health Organization recommends 150 to 300 minutes of moderate activity a week for adults, and its 2020 guidelines carry a simple message: every move counts. Cycling to class, a walk along the canal or a beginners' yoga class at the student sports centre all add up. Choose movement you enjoy rather than the workout you think you should do. Joining a group class also brings people into your week.

Eat Regular, Familiar Meals

When you are busy and stretched, meals are easy to skip or replace with snacks. Regular meals keep your energy steady, and steady energy makes everything feel more manageable. Mix local food with dishes from home. Finding the shop that sells your favourite spices, or cooking a family recipe in your new kitchen, can bring real comfort. Cooking for flatmates or friends turns a basic need into a social moment. None of this needs to be perfect or healthy every day. It just needs to be regular enough that hunger is not making a hard day harder.

Keep What Makes You You

Settling in does not mean becoming someone else. You can learn local habits and still keep your own language, music, food and traditions. Many internationals feel pressure to fit in fast and end up feeling cut off from themselves. Keep a few anchors from home: a weekly call in your first language, a playlist from home or celebrating your own holidays with friends. Accepting yourself abroad means accepting the mix, the part of you that is learning to be local and the part of you that will always be from somewhere else.

Write Down Three Good Things

Gratitude is a quiet way of being kind to yourself, because it trains your attention on what is going right. In a 2003 study, Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough found that people who regularly listed things they were grateful for reported higher well-being, most consistently in their mood. Before bed, write down three good things from your day, however small: the sun came out, a colleague smiled, the bakery had your favourite bread. Over weeks, your notebook becomes a record of a life that is slowly becoming yours.

Give Friendships Time

Friendships abroad take longer than you expect, and that is not your fault. Research by Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas, published in 2018, found it takes around 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, and around 200 hours to become close friends. That is months of coffees and shared dinners. If you feel lonely in your first year, that is the clock running, not a verdict on you. Keep showing up, and accept that feeling at home takes time and does not happen on a deadline.

Conclusion

Being gentle with yourself abroad means expecting the hard months, forgiving the mistakes that come with anything new and talking to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. It also means looking after the basics, sleep, movement, food and people, so you have the energy to keep going.

None of this is about lowering your ambitions. It is about giving yourself the patience that any big change deserves.

If you need someone to talk to right away, call TelefonSeelsorge in Germany on 0800 1110111, 0800 1110222 or 116 123, or De Luisterlijn in the Netherlands on 088 0767 000.

FAQ

What does it mean to be gentle with yourself?

Being gentle with yourself means treating yourself with the same patience and kindness you would offer a friend. In practice, that includes setting realistic expectations, resting without guilt and responding to mistakes with understanding instead of harsh criticism.

How do I start forgiving myself for mistakes abroad?

Fix what you can, note what you learned and let the rest go. Most mistakes in a new country, from language slips to missed forms, are common and fixable. Replaying them only drains energy you need for everything else.

How to accept yourself when you feel you are not fitting in?

Remember that settling in takes months, not weeks, and that you do not have to become someone else to belong. Keep a few anchors from home, notice small progress and give friendships the time they need.

Is being kind to yourself the same as being lazy?

No. Research suggests that people who treat their mistakes with self-compassion are more motivated to improve, not less. Kindness keeps you going; harsh self-criticism tends to slow progress.

When should I talk to a counselor about the move?

If the hard feelings stay with you for weeks, or you feel stuck in the same worries, talking to a qualified counselor can help. You do not need a big reason; settling into a new country is reason enough.